We are not always promised tomorrow…

So what?

I know this could really annoy a lot of people but just hear me out. This has been on my mind so much lately that I had to write some of this out to help me process.

I hear a lot (and especially with all the Rachel Hollis craze lately) about making your dreams come true and you have to start today or else and so on and so on.

One of my biggest dreams has been to do something like go to the Oscars for makeup artistry. That would be amazing I think to myself all of the time. Society loves to put us on a timeline though. You should be graduated by this age, married by that age, and kids by this time all while building a career for yourself and flipping a house while you’re at it.

It’s been pretty textbook for me. I went to school, met my husband, got married, had a child, and have worked on my career along the way. I’m not going to lie though, when I was pregnant with my daughter, there were tons where I thought, is this it? Do I just push all these other passions aside now and accept the enormous blessing of being a mom? The answer is no.

It’s called “I’m in a season right now” and this season of life is filled with sleepless nights, changing diapers, and kissing owies, but it’s also filled with a little more clarity and even more drive to work towards my other passions even more.

There is a difference in becoming complacent and being present/accepting the season you are in. This is not my season to go to the oscars and the next one might not be either. If I died tomorrow and didn’t have this crazy accomplishment, then what? I think I’ll be just fine.

I truly believe we all have a great calling, but what if your calling is to be a lunch lady? What if you are supposed to impact the lives of elementary children in a huge way? What if your great calling is to manage a grocery store? What if you were meant to be a cab driver? What if I’m meant to be at the oscars one day? What if I’m meant to be a stay at home mom?! Why does a calling have to be this crazy big thing (in society’s eyes)? I feel like these are all big things.

This is definitely something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I’m not saying I’ve given up on other dreams of mine but I am saying that it’s OK if everything does not happen when and how I would like it to go because I don’t hold tomorrow.

I guess what I’m trying to say is we don’t have to have everything figured out today or tomorrow and you don’t have to stay up until 2am tonight mapping out your future. Honestly a good nights sleep would probably be better for you at this point. It’s also ok that you thought by now you would be on broadway and married to the man of your dreams. Trust me, God knows your heart’s desires. That doesent mean to just give up and not work towards anything. That is definitely not what I mean. It just means that if you were planning on going right and now you have to go left that it’s ok to take a little longer of a drive, stop at a random cafe along the way, make friends with a few strangers, and then get to where you were headed, or maybe you start heading somewhere entirely different because until now you never realized that this road may have something for you as well.

Like I said, I’m certainly still processing all of this and clearly cannot fully articulate everything spinning around in my head but it’s a start….

Black and White

I grew up as a very black and white person. I would come into situations essentially thinking well it either has to be this or it has to be that. There was no in between. I think a lot of us who are very black and white in our thinking are that way until we have to face some pretty tough grey areas….

I grew up in a very spiritual home. Divorce was not an option unless for biblical reason, homosexuality was on all levels not right, suicide meant you went to hell, and so on and so on. Everything was extremely black and white. Until my parents got divorced, my brother came out about his sexuality, my father took his life, and I struggled with mental illness and awful PPD along with many other things…. I got a front row seat to situations that were no longer black and white but an insane amount of grey. The crazy thing is, all of it has actually brought me closer to God. I’ve come to realize more than ever that not all things are going to be black and white, not all things can be solved or fixed, and just because something didn’t go how you thought it was supposed to, certainly does not mean it is wrong.

Some things are so hard for me to wrap my head around. I listen to people talk who know nothing about me or situations I have been through and think what a blessing and a cure their naivety is. Although there are obviously many things I have yet to endure or may never experience, I pray that I live a life that honors God and demonstrates love and compassion.

You never know what someone is going through or has has to endure. This is a reminder to not only be gentle with yourself but be gentle with others.

My soul has felt so heavy lately. I am happy, I have a beautiful life, I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes I just can’t shake the heaviness that I carry. Maybe it is something I will always carry. Maybe the fact that I am so introspective, emotional, and deeply affected by the world around me is what makes me so beautiful as a human being. What may seem like a flaw to you can be a blessing to this world. Each and every one of us were designed for something bigger than we can ever comprehend…..

It’s been a while…

I have not posted in a while and I’ve been dying to get back to writing as it is a huge outlet for me.

I am now pregnant with baby #2 and was very sick my whole first trimester so this one of the the last things on my priority list. I basically just had to focus on keeping my daughter alive while literally feeling like death.

I am feeling much better though and ready to dive back in to writing more!! I truly feel like I’ve kind of just fell off the face of the earth for some time, but it’s nice to be slowly coming back.

Week 3&4

Last week was a bit hectic with the holidays so I will be condensing both updates into one post.

Firstly, I think I’m really coming around to this whole thing and realizing how helpful the therapy is and how much anxiety in conjunction with adjusting to the newer role of motherhood and the loss of my father truly controlled my life.

There were days where I legitimately didn’t want to get out of bed. I was coping in very unhealthy ways and managing to put on a very strong persona for others around me.

Even though it was extremely hard for me to make the decision to go to group therapy, I am extremely glad I did. It’s been very tough at times, but I believe it is supposed to be so I can work through a lot of this junk that has been controlling much of my life.

So for now I will say that I’m feeling much more positive about my decision to do this and am trying to give it my all to get everything I possibly can out of it.

10/10 recommend. We shall see how this next week goes.