They didn’t find a note…

The police officer asked me which funeral home I would like to have my father sent to. I gave them the name the same one that my grandmother and grandpa there were at as well. I got a hold of the funeral director the next day and he told me that he thought my father had suffered from a heart attack. He said his computer was still open at his desk and it seemed like he was writing out checks for bills for the next month. His camera bag was out on the couch and they found him by the front door. They thought he possibly was suffering from a heart attack and was trying to get outside to get some air. The funeral director also said there was no note in site around the house. 
I knew if I could just get to his house and walk around that I would know exactly what happened. I just had this feeling. 
Later that week my mother and I flew down to NC to tie up any loose ends, get his place cleaned out, etc. We got in pretty late that night so the plan was to pick up his ashes and go to his place right away in the morning. 
The second I walked in the door I saw that his laptop was just barely cracked open. I immediately lifted it and there it was on the screen. The note. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe it was a heart attack. It was real now. He suffered so badly. I didn’t do enough. I was not there for him like he needed me. I was so heartbroken. This confirmed why worst nightmare. 
Of course they didn’t find a note. My father would never leave something like that in a piece of paper. He lived behind his computer. I knew if there was one that would be exactly where it would be located. 
It’s so important for me to reiterate that my father was an extremely intelligent, funny, and caring individual who was very sick and suffering from an invisible illness. He loved the Lord so much. This horrible illness left him so tormented that death seemed like the only way out. His note said it all. Oh how I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have stopped him. I wish I could give him one last hug and tell him how important and loved he is. 
Hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight because you never know when that will be the last time…

Published by Kathleen Pielhop - Midwest Mama -Creator

I took over my father’s blog September of 2017 after losing his battle with mental illness. This blog was originally to share my journey through grieving, finding peace, and trusting God in the process...and in many ways is exactly that. This has evolved into life as a family of 4 with 2 dogs, living in the Midwest. I will cover everything from fashion to our family routines. Join us on this crazy adventure!

2 thoughts on “They didn’t find a note…

  1. I’m sorry to here that my god son took his life he was sixteen he used a gun it broke my heart I couldn’t be in Peace for long time kept asking why its been about ten years now you don’t forget bit you do make peace with it you’re doing the right thing talking about it do allot of praying


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